Our dog

Our home had become a very filthy place after dad moved out. There was no-one who would clean our place. And no-one took care of the dog. She didn't get to go out very much. We did have an enclosure for her where she could run freely but only after I came home from school. She pooped and pissed on the floor every day and no one cleaned it up. Mom just covered the shit with newspapers and the dog pooped and pissed on the newspapers again and again. The shit was on the floor usually for months becofe anyone cleaned it up. I'm not proud of myself. Of course I was a child but maybe I could have done something. But this was the norm. I didn't think it was weird at all. I was so used to it.

It has been over 10 years since these things happened but I can't get over it. I feel too guilty and bad. It was partly my fault. I probably could have done something. I was something along 12 at the time. I just... feel so bad. I shouldn't have gotten used to it. Maybe then I could have made her life better.

I  feel so bad still... I feel like the dog did not get a good life. She died a few months ago. I wish I had done more for her. She was a good dog. I feel so ashamed. And guilty. I wish I had had the strength to take care of her back then. But I guess I used it all to manage to live myself. Mom didn't really take care of me either. But this is one of my biggest regrets in life. She was an innocent being. She had a bad family. She had no choice. But still she loved us. I didn't deserve any of that love. I still don't feel like I deserve love. I wish I could change the past and get her out of that house but I can't. Just thinking of this part of my past makes my eyes water. I wish I could have saved us both from mother. But I can't change the past. What is done is done. And the dog is dead now. Nothing I do will change it. Nothing will make it better. I can just hope after I moved out she had a better life.

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