Nutphant Comics

So I've probably been suffering from depression and anxiety since I was around 13. Or that was the time I started to plan my suicide so I had been depressed for a long time before that. Anyway... there's this thing called "pikavippi" in finnish which means a quickie loan. My mother asked me to take a few of those as soon as I turned 18. "I will pay you back, ok!" (I gave her the money.) Nope. It took months and she still hadn't paid me. I got warnings of losing my credibility which is super important around here. She had caused me a lot of financial troubles before too (almost lost my apartment). And of course she wasn't the best mother around which one of the reasons I'm depressed and my life is fucked. So I felt totally hopeless and wanted to kill myself. So one night I went outside when it was raining. I don't remember if it was sleet or water but anyway. It was almost winter so it was a bit cold. I walked down to the beach and on the pi...

Our home had become a very filthy place after dad moved out. There was no-one who would clean our place. And no-one took care of the dog. She didn't get to go out very much. We did have an enclosure for her where she could run freely but only after I came home from school. She pooped and pissed on the floor every day and no one cleaned it up. Mom just covered the shit with newspapers and the dog pooped and pissed on the newspapers again and again. The shit was on the floor usually for months becofe anyone cleaned it up. I'm not proud of myself. Of course I was a child but maybe I could have done something. But this was the norm. I didn't think it was weird at all. I was so used to it. It has been over 10 years since these things happened but I can't get over it. I feel too guilty and bad. It was partly my fault. I probably could have done something. I was something along 12 at the time. I just... feel so bad. I shouldn't have gotten used to it. Maybe then I could ...

I started studying again after being on a sick leave for almost two years. Students like me can get special schedules and more time off of school. Told my teacher about my problems and this is what happened. I felt so crushed by his words. Like he did not take me seriously. I'm a little scared to go to school again. But I have to do it. 

My ex had the habit of having sex with me when I didn't want it. I would tell him no many times but it didn't matter. Sometimes he would start touching me when I was sleeping. Sometimes I tried to pretend to sleep but that didn't work. He would just keep going. Sometimes I just told him no but in the end I had to give in. He just would keep going until I gave in or if I didn't he would get mad at me. I suppose I should have been stronger and stand my ground. I'm not blaming him or anything since it was my fault for not being firm enough. But even so these things have scarred me. I couldn't enjoy sex at all and I couldn't even touch myself because I would feel pain from the lightest touch. After we broke up I told myself that I would only date women from then on or be single. Well, I failed at those things and found myself a new, great and gentle bf <3. I was super jumpy at the beginning of our relationship because I had learned that touching was somethin...

I felt like I was not a human. I was being controlled by little aliens that lived inside my head. They had tiny control panels which they used to control my movement. I felt so trapped. The only way to get free was to die. That's what it felt like. But I simply almost got hit by a truck door and managed to get myself back.