Dancing in the rain

So I've probably been suffering from depression and anxiety since I was around 13. Or that was the time I started to plan my suicide so I had been depressed for a long time before that. Anyway... there's this thing called "pikavippi" in finnish which means a quickie loan. My mother asked me to take a few of those as soon as I turned 18. "I will pay you back, ok!" (I gave her the money.) Nope. It took months and she still hadn't paid me. I got warnings of losing my credibility which is super important around here. She had caused me a lot of financial troubles before too (almost lost my apartment). And of course she wasn't the best mother around which one of the reasons I'm depressed and my life is fucked.

So I felt totally hopeless and wanted to kill myself. So one night I went outside when it was raining. I don't remember if it was sleet or water but anyway. It was almost winter so it was a bit cold. I walked down to the beach and on the pier and jumped into the water thinking "So now I'm gonna drown myself" (I had my clothes on!). But I was kind of unsure what to do next. So I swam there in the cold water for a while. I can't remember what I was thinking when I swam there. But suddenly I was sort of happy. And laughing. And I got off the water and walked on the beach. I started dancing in the rain. I have never felt so alive in my life. Just dancing in the rain there after being so sure I would drown myself. I actually felt kind of happy. It was amazing. But my shoes got ruined. They smelled like muddy lake water. But it was all fine.


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